<3

chaosbreedhabit @ 2006-08-19T17:54:00

2006-08-19T22:56:46Z

I think I'm going to be making a new usename on here. I've messed up my layout, bio, etc. way too much to even try and fix it.
I'll post the journal name on here when I decide so you all can add it.
I'll probably use this to frequent communties, but not really much else.
:]

ugh.

2006-08-18T15:19:43Z

It gets really lonely sitting around waiting to hear back from my "friends" or until Josh gets off work to come visit for an hour or two before he goes back to his normal life.
This is by far the worst way to end a summer, and in exchange, I'm probably going to be bitter about it for the next twelve months.
Maybe not.
I'm on steroids now. Yes, steroids, similar to the ones that 300 pound linebackers take just so they can knock their clone in a different uniform out. Except I'm taking them because I'm too weak to get up from the couch to make it into the bathroom to throw up in time.
Between episodes of the OC and sleeping in odd places, I have perfectly fabricated a list of places I would rather be right now.

chyeaaah

2006-07-31T19:42:54Z

So I've come to the conclusion that I couldn't care less about not going to Warped yesterday. I sort of forgot it was yesterday and didn't feel like driving down just to see a few decent bands. Hello, fall tours.
Okay, yesterday. Yesterday was awesome. Josh and I went out to breakfast/lunch with his dad. My salad tasted like it was a greek salad-dishwater hybrid, but fortunately I wasn't paying. We went back to Josh's house and napped between lunch and the movie, which was refreshingly awesome. Miami Vice was horrible and I don't think anyone should have to go through seeing that. Most of the time I had no idea what was going on, and the violence totally wasn't worth the five dollars that I did not pay. Josh went to work shortly after, so the WHAM! congregated for the afternoon. Great fun, that is. Kim and Rob had never been to Buffalo Wild Wings, so we went, which was awesome. Andrea got burnt by the pickle in my Mac&Cheese, which was really awkward because it's a pickle and not like, acid. Hah. So we came back and waited for Josh and then we sat in my room and made fun of things. It was awesome. So yeah, I love my friends. Today has been rather boring, but I can look forward to Las Palmas anoche con Josh. And of course, sports physicals. hah

&you're my good feeling

2006-07-24T23:40:23Z

eight things i absolutely, positively adore.

runner's high. after running however many miles, when you stop and you've caught your breath, the feeling is infinite. however long i've put off my run because "I'm too tired" has redeemed itself when I can feel the breeze blowing through me and it's just before my legs start to hurt.

re-reading a book i've once enjoyed. after finding the lovely bones for fifty cents at a thrift store, i got over wanting to cry over someone's loss of amazing literature and snatched it into my possession along with three other books. starting it again yesterday really got me excited because it's such an amazingly written book that was definetly not meant to only be enjoyed once. which brings me to...

thrift shopping. there's a great pride in sorting through rack after rack of clothes that smell vaguely of funeral homes to find that one shirt that you feel like you've needed your whole life. in my case, i've found the perfect jeans, and like, eight perfect shirts, not to mention some that will soon be resewn to reach their awesome potential.

tea. no beverage excites me more than tea does. it comes in such a wide range of flavors that every time is completely new. tea can be drank in the mornings to wake you up, at night to relax, at a coffeehouse over an indie band, or as a comfort during third hour when your mind starts to wander.

josh. i'm pretty sure josh is one of the only people in the world who can understand that sometimes when i say "I'm fine" I really am, and other times he knows I'm not and can take it from there. not only does he understand me, he's rather fun to be around and can always put a smile on my face.

writing. i love being able to open up my journal and scrounge for a pen in just about any enviornment and completely spill to someone I know won't tell. whether it's how my day is going, memories, or something totally fictional, being able to express myself is so reassuring.

late nights outside. much like last night, being in the company of josh and two close friends while drinking shakes and watching the lake from a picnic table felt very uninhibiting and peaceful. even as mosquitos sucked blood out of the exposed parts of our skin and the wind messed my hair up, i didn't have a care in the world, other than that I had to ride home in the back of Jim's van without a seatbelt.. or seats.

good songs. nothing makes my day better than hearing that one song i've been longing to hear, the one I temporarily forgot about, or the one that always makes me smile.

from an empty room on the first floor..

2006-07-22T15:23:46Z

I'm like, completely crafting whipped now. I've gone as far as applying to a craft store in Antioch as to get employee discounts and learn things from there. In the past few days I've redone two pairs of flats, finished half of a bag I'm knitting, sewn a button/ribbon bracelet and drawn out at least ten shirts I'm going to be making once I go thrifting for fabric today and shirts to cut up.
I love it how after reading up on reconstructing things, I can turn all the huge shirts that had a cool print on them to something I'll actually wear. It's really exciting. Hopefully I'll make it out of the store without three more pairs of jeans, but we'll see.
Yesterday Josh, my dad and I suprised my mom and took her to lunch at Infini-Tea. Definetly the coolest restaurant around, if not most expensive for the smallest amount of food. Regardless, it was awesome. We walked around Main Street for a while because it was sidewalk sale weekend and then went to my future employer. Haha. I really ought to turn in my application now so I can work there in August as well so they'll schedule me how I want during the school year. The only bad part is now I'm 100% sure I want to do cross country, so I'm not too sure where having a job, going to school, seeing my friends and running is going to fit into the picture, but I can handle it. After wandering around, we came home and Josh and I watched Evolution before he had to work. The rest of the day was devoted to making things like crazy. Definetly lots of fun. At nine or so Kayleigh and I met up with Josh and Jim at Kristoff's to suck at bowling, which I definetly did. We played dumb arcade games, got cool tattoos, took pictures in the photobooth, and then we went to Taco Bell.
Not much else is going on, Josh and I are having lunch at his brother's house with him mom today and I'll probably go shop while he's work. If anyone wants to come thrifting with me, let me know. This upcoming week is going to be amazing and I can't wait to go through it all in awesome new clothes.
friday is the battle of the bands and the paradigm and fair, as well as the local h show at round lake fest
saturday josh, my mom and I are going to my aunts to have a city-cookout and then we're coming back to see american english
sunday is warped tour.. enough said.

and maybe...

2006-07-11T20:32:30Z

Sunday I stood in line to meet someone who I'd only thought of from afar. Lyrically and musically I look up to him so much. My Jack's Mannequin CD is signed now and I'm still in awe from the concert. I'm pretty sure everything about that afternoon seemed doomed to be bad, from the pouring rain, the hail and the cold, but somehow everything fell into place and worked out. I'm pretty sure I spent that entire day with the one person I knew would do it all with me. We got home at like 2am. Never before have I been more damp, tired and overall amazed at how wonderful things can be.
The wedding Saturday was a lot of fun. I love my cousins so much. I ended up getting a fish because it was one of the centerpieces from the reception. It's named Jack and it's on my nightstand. Somehow I'm not afraid of this fish like I am others. It's.. interesting.
Yesterday meant many movies and being warm with Josh and attempting to nap. Today there's not much going on, but much to be expected. Tomorrow, Josh, Craig and I are going canoeing on the Des Plaines River. That's going to be nuts.

from an empty room on the first floor..

2006-07-01T15:39:10Z

I hate hardcore shows/most hardcore kids.
Cafe Aeon is a really cool place and Josh and I need to open one closer to here.
Chicago Street Pizza > Bacci's
When you say you have a crew in another town, sometimes they'll just magically appear.
You don't need set plans to have an amazing time on a Friday night.
But you do unfortunately need to waste like $30 :[

jack's mannequin=july 9th.

chaosbreedhabit @ 2006-06-27T11:47:00

2006-06-27T16:47:15Z

It's a sunny June morning in the summer and most of the kids on my block are outside playing with bikes, toys, friends and their parents. Kids always have this outlook on life that nothing is ever going to hurt them, and for the most part, it's true.
You're eight years old and mommy and daddy are taking you to the fair. They're walking alongside you holding your brother's and your hand, smiling. Your real mommy never did this with you. Before you even learned to walk, your mommy and daddy had split up, fought, and hated each other but stuck together long enough to know they never wanted you.For the first time in your life, you're happy because you're with a family that cares about you. At eight, all you should know is love. Not the inside of an ambulance, not everyone in the intensive care unit at the hospital your mommy is staying at. This shouldn't be happening to kids. I'm sixteen years old and I still think that mommy and daddy will be here forever. I can't imagine how hard it is for these kids to know that their real parents didn't care, and the only ones they have left might be gone sooner than they thought.
This type of thing shouldn't be happening.

In other news, I'm getting better.

from an empty room on the first floor..

2006-06-26T18:30:05Z

So I guess I could say that I'm the most excited I've been since I've gotten sick.
[with the exception of when I get to see Josh, of course.]
I got three magazines in the mail today, not to mention I'm actually feeling better.
It's reassuring because I can hold my head up and swallow and all that fun stuff. Even though I've been diagnosed with who knows what for the second time and the medicine may or may not be working; I've got some outlook to the future. haha.
besides that, big fish is a wonderful movie&hopefully I'll get to see Josh later today.

it's 11:11

2006-06-21T02:04:32Z

Oh god. This is bad. For some reason I miss cheerleading more than usual. Like, really bad. I was watching some cheerleading thing on youtube and if you know anything about cheerleading, this squad was amazing. I find myself wanting to go in the backyard and do flip-flops even though it's dark and uneven out there. So yeah, pretty much on Friday night I'm going to the open gym thing at American Eagle gyn whether anyone comes with or not.
So I'm to the point where I don't even want to be near water. It's weird, I can't stand work or swim team much anymore.
My mom has great logic. "If we leave at three, we won't get down there until four." regarding going into the city to see Wicked tomorrow. Yes Mom, that's usually what happens when you go places and time is working normally. Hah.
So yeah, Wicked tomorrow. I was supposed to be taking Josh with us, but somehow the third ticket didn't happen or something? I don't even know.
Now my head is killing me and I have no idea why. Ugh. I should probably get my tea-fix before Josh comes over.
God, I love that kid so much.

this is so my favorite picture ever.

chaosbreedhabit @ 2006-06-18T11:07:00

2006-06-18T16:16:16Z

Father's Day, eh? My dad is awesome. This past week has really shown just how cool he can be when my mom is freaking out over something stupid.
Even though this is only the second full week of summer, I can say that there have been quite a few defining moments. Certain parties just go to show that the sometimes your real friends are the ones who won't talk shit about you when your back is turned; even if the two of you haven't talked in a while. Everyone seems to have their own opinion about something they have nothing to do with. It's getting kind of old, but I've gotten to the point where I just don't care.
I still need a new job, and I can finally say I'm probably getting enough sleep. I remembered my dream for the first time in a while. That doesn't mean it was normal though, that's for sure.
This week is going to be awesome. Liscense hopefully Tuesday, whenever I have time to go down to the DMV with my dad. Wednesday Josh is taking me downtown to some vegan restaurant for our anniversary thing and then we're going to see Wicked. I'm totally stoked. It's going to be a really fun time, since we'll have like, three hours to wander around and see things. Thursday is Bill's 18th birthday, and I'm taking him to get his lip pierced that weekend. As mentioned in the previous entry, I only work 4 times, so I'll have some free-time amazingly.

ugh. =(

2006-06-08T18:57:22Z

It kills me that my grandpa, who was once alive, funloving and would pull me around on my sled through Chicago is now just a flowering tree on a golf course he loved. Today my mom came home and checked the message machine and started chuckling to herself and told me that grandpa's tree was flowering. Today is one of those days when I wish things would just go back to normal &when I say normal, I know that almost know one knows what I'm talking about and I plan on keeping it that way. I don't know what it is, but something about today makes me want to sit in my room and cry. I probably won't get to see Josh, and I'll get little to no sleep for the next two days. Great. At least I'll get paid for my one day of work on the most recent paycheck and then have no time to spend it.
I keep reminding myself that next weekend will be good in comparison to how hard this week has been trying to juggle work, school, dance and swimming.
Warped tour is in a weekend. That's gonna be amazing, I presume.

i love it how.. i can't be bothered.

2006-06-07T20:04:13Z

definetly fuck gym class.
reports cards came today and I got an f on my gym final. my mom called me all pissed off about it, but the funny thing is that I got a B in the class. more proof that i could really care less. she has some theory that I ditched the final, of all things. sure mom, whatever you want to think.
today was nice. it was a little too windy for a picnic outside, but look who makes things work.
eh, I guess the only thing I'm actually pissed about is missing the faster we fall show tonight and not being able to do anything. oh well. catch up on my reading, i suppose.

<33

2006-06-04T02:00:11Z

summersummersummer
god, I love it. finals have proven to be completely worthless once again. not like I hadn't learned that from past experience. work has also become kind of tedious already, yes, after one eight-hour shift. more to come, i'm sure.
stuff has been absolutely great though. that's probably because swimming hasn't started yet, but i'll get over that part when it comes. right now, i'm completely content with waking up at nine and laying out until i figure out something to do. usually that involves aimless movie watching with josh and more fun experiences including matt's party, and getting hit with pillows by kim.
so tonight means possibly the drive-in, but most likely some party in mchenry. in the meantime, i'm going to read more.

chaosbreedhabit @ 2006-05-23T19:43:00

2006-05-24T00:48:05Z

So I guess the highlight of my day was coming home with my lovely boyfriend to find the house empty and calm and a new issue of AP on the table, complete with AFI cover. Knowing we had to haul ass out after we ate so I could get to work on time was kinda lame, but at least it's money, right?
Last night after I got off work, Josh took me to see Boondock Saints at Regal. That movie is amazing. I'm so glad I got to experience the movie the only time it was shown on the big screen. In the past four days I've gone to the movies more than I have this entire past year [before Friday, of course]
I'm so sick of school it's not even funny. I complain about doing the review guides in one class and I do them in another just so I don't have to listen to the pathetic excuses for reviewing that teachers try to pass off. I go through magazine after magazine just to keep my mind off of how much finals are going to be a waste of my time and it's starting to not work. I keep hoping I'll get some consolation prize for having grades in the top 5 in almost all my classes [or lowest 5 in bio.. hah]
I'm sick of my mom's eating disorder ploys. She's on the verge on force-feeding me and I don't really want to be around when that happens. I think I eat way too much, I don't know what she's seeing. God I'm craving the Cheese and Shells from Dakota's house real badddddd...

grrrrrrr

2006-05-20T14:54:01Z

something about waking up this morning and realizing that my best friends have each other and not me makes me want to smash something into pieces. I love it how it seems like everyone has each other sometimes and forgets about anyone else. I respect that I have a boyfriend who cares about me a lot and he'll always come hang out with me if I want to do something, but I hate having to schedule shit days in advance with some of my friends just because they're constantly with the same other person. it would be different if it was just one time, but no, it's two happening at the same time and it pisses me off so much. i think I'm just gonna stop before I make myself more upset than I already am. waking up at 3am to cough up a lung and then throw up doesn't really put you in the best mood. right now, the only things I'm looking forward to is laying out in my yard and hanging out with josh and my mom.. haha. and of course katie's party tonight.

chaosbreedhabit @ 2006-05-18T21:11:00

2006-05-19T02:11:15Z

someday i'll appreciate in value,
get off my ass and call you
xanga is better than myspace and talking crap to people on dakota's screen name beats going home to sleep pretty much anyday. plus, I couldn't sleep with these two nerds screaming along to grease. oh, how josh and dakota do sandy and danny so well.
today=swimming in matt's pool, jumping on his trampoline half naked until someone honked, spitting really badly, and I guess now I have a boyfriend.. haha. of course I do.

chaosbreedhabit @ 2006-05-13T12:44:00

2006-05-13T17:45:03Z

these teenage broken hearts are just as formulated and perfected as the rips in the jeans that were "destroyed" before they hit the shelves. we're all trying to be different, but we find comfort in those that look just like us and have the same myspace pictures as the rest of us. shows are less about the music and more about how many guys are looking at you when they fly out of the pits. this is not what we want to be about, this is life and not some contest to see who is most perfectly different
open your eyes

i am finally waking up<333

2006-04-29T17:11:06Z

I'm so sick of getting bitched at for everything relating to being a vegetarian.
No, I don't care if you don't like it that I'm picking the cheese off my pizza to see if there's meat on it. I really don't.
It drives me nuts how not open-minded people are at all.
This morning made me so angry. I woke up at like, 6:30, which is more than I can say for myself during the week when I actually have to get up. That kinda pissed me off.
It's not like I would have slept much longer anyways, I'm not that tired. As worried as I was about stuff with Twon last night, I've eased out of that I guess. I dunno.
Yay for cleaning all day and then having behind the wheel. That like, ruins my whole day because it's supposed to rain like crazy later tonight so my mom won't let me go anywhere because "i'm never home" and no one will end up coming over because Bill will be with Ashley, Will is out of gas and I don't really know.

sometimes perfect can be,
it can be perfect hell

chaosbreedhabit @ 2006-04-26T17:40:00

2006-04-26T22:41:10Z

There are some people who make me so angry even by the sight of them and there are some select people who make my day better just by thinking about them. very much so. oh man. Someone got brought up during our loops of discussion in gym class and it drove me nuts for the better [or worst] half of the day. I'm sick of people these days. Whether it's how obsessive they are, fake, bitchy, annoying, whatever, there are so many people who need to be told these things. I'm thinking that tomorrow, attendance permitting for me at school, I'll start telling people what I really think. Sounds good. to me at least

♥

2006-04-23T18:17:38Z

&Then there's some things that I don't even think I could bring myself to write about in the paper journal, not to mention on here or anywhere else for that matter.
Friday was like one of those nights from movies or something. Moreso for Bill on Saturday when he took Bernie to the airport and watched him leave, but it still felt weird for me too. I think I'm going to have a hard time ever forgetting Friday night. Even though I don't have any pictures, it's one of those things that I'll always see in my mind. One thing I'll probably never forget is pulling Bernie up the hill in front of Will's house on his skates and watching him go flying down it, and then Bill deciding he'd pull him up it with a car and drive next to him to see just how fast he was going. He went like, 40. That's insane. I'm going to miss Bernie so much. That kid is fucking crazy. Last night resulted in a lot of aimless wandering around and getting confronted with the Dollar General Crew, which were little boys who threw merchandise at us and squirted juice at us when we drove past.

&LOVE;

just one more plane ride and it's done<33

2006-04-19T02:26:16Z

I've started writing in a paper journal again rather than listening in class and doing work and so far it's been amazing. I actually can say what I think and not have to worry about anyone stumbling across it because it stays in my range of vision pretty much all the time.
I've also decided that I'm taking a snow day on Monday with my parents. We're going to go sledding. or not, but we're going out to lunch and stuff, and I basically don't want to write my bio essay on time, so I'm not gonna. I'm thinking we'll end up watching the OC all day and sleeping. Sounds very snow day to me.
Last night was fucking crazy. After the crappy track meet, Jessica and I saw Brandon and Nathan driving around and so we asked them to come with us to T.Bell after we changed at my house. We got to my house and found Bill, Gus, Jimmy, and Bernie picking some stuff up and Bill decided to come with. T.Bell is just as awesome on weeknights as it is weekends. But yeah, driving around with Nathan and Bill afterwards blasting music and screaming felt like old times. Bill and Will suprised me this afternoon by coming over and messing up my bed and blasting Trivium for three hours. I love those two
I have amazing friends. I really should start looking on the bright side of things as soon as I start feeling bad, rather than wait a few hours =)
Pictures of the awesome paper-journal to follow.

california in the summer

2006-04-15T16:32:17Z

love it how my perfect Saturday morning doesn't involve going to track meets, worrying about my party later tonight, or returning phone calls.
It's where I am right now. On my back porch in my bathing suit, blasting Death Cab, reading and getting fucking tan.
I don't care that I ate 1,300 calories worth of junk food for two meals at Taco Bell yesterday. It was fucking good. I don't care that I'm going to be dead in about twelve hours after everyone leaves tonight and my parents figure out that I invited way too many people to my party. I don't care that we don't have enough pizza. And I really don't care that my least favorite holiday is tomorrow and I have to give up a day of my weekend to go to my cousin's house. I even don't care that my boyfriend has a tendency to not notice me when I'm in the same room as him.

hours pass and she still counts the minutes
<33

i can take your cheap shots<33

2006-04-13T03:18:00Z

birthdays aren't as bad as I make them seem.
three day weekends are always amazing
especially when a thursday is turned into a friday with no track practice or any where to be.
<3

=(

2006-04-10T05:07:10Z

So it's sometime early Monday morning and I'm not even a smidgen tired. I have so much running through my head right now and I need to get it somewhere. I seriously do feel like I'm going to explode or something.
Right now I don't even care about who reads this and could formulate whatever rumor they want from this. I really really do not care. I think there is only one person in this world who I will truly love. It's obvious who that is, and right now it's killing me. It really is.
There's so much I wish I could say to so many people, but I'm afraid that bringing it up will only hurt me and other people. I can't deal with some of this sometimes.
To top it all off, I'm not tired, and I have to be up in seven hours for a huge day ahead of me. I worry about where my knee brace is, my track shorts, and my Survey book and I'm done. The shorts and survey book are like, required to be paid for before I can take my finals. So I have about two months to get money or find them, but that still stinks because it's money I could do other things with. My knee brace makes running a whole lot easier. Not being able to sleep doesn't make anything easier. Nor does missing the one you can't have.
Staplegun to the head in 3..2..1..